The Amazing Adventures of W.R.Greg

Weirdly Raised Greg enters Salad-To-The-Future, a shiny new one-off on the fast food strip. He stands before a 24 panel menu full of salad (and salad related) innovation. One salad contains braised beef and white chocolate. From the connoisseur to the casual, Salad-To-The-Future promises to mesmerise everyone with it’s abundance of choice. Well, not everyone. They can’t make that promise to Weirdly Raised Greg, but then again, I guess, what can we expect, he is -Weirdly Raised Greg.

“I’d like a medium Green Salad without lettuce, please and thankyou’s.’
‘Sir, are you sure you wouldn’t mind trying any of our subatomic salads? You get unlimited free soft drink if you buy the Large size.’
‘No please and thankyou’s. I’d like the medium Green Salad without lettuce, please and thankyou’s.
‘Okay.’
‘Please and thankyou’s’
‘I gotta say. There’s really not much to a Green Salad without lettuce.’
‘It’s just the way I like it.’
‘Ok. So that’ll be $6.50, anything else’
‘Hang on, where’s the beetroot?’
‘You want beetroot? You didn’t say anything about beetroot?’
‘Yes, Please and Thankyou’s. Beetroot.’
‘Okay.’
‘Hang on, that’s not Beetroot.’
‘What’s not beetroot, Sir?’
‘What you’re about to add to my salad. It’s not beetroot.’
‘Well, what is it then?’
‘It’s a carrot.’
‘Sir, I have to tell you. This is not a carrot - this is a carrot.’
‘That’s not a carrot, that’s a tomato.’
‘So what are these red things already in the salad salad?’
‘They’re angel hearts.’
‘Angel hearts. And this one?’
‘That’s a foetus.’
‘Sir, that's a pineapple, and I’m sorry, but that’s all kinds of messed up.’
‘I’ll just take my Green Salad, without lettuce, please and thankyou’s.’
‘But, with beetroot?’
‘Yes, please and thankyou’s.’
‘Okay. Can you please point to the beetroot for me?’
‘Sure. That one’
‘This one, second from the bottom?’
‘Yes, please and thankyou’s.’
‘The crispy, leafy, green stuff?’
‘Yes, please and thankyou’s.’
‘Yeah please and fuckyou. That’s LETTUCE. That’s FUCKING LETTUCE. Steve, I’m sorry I can’t take another one of these fucking customers. It’s digging right through my ears and into my brain. You hear that you please and thankyou motherfucker? RIGHT through my ears, and INTO my BRAIN. I’m sorry Steve, I don’t mean to swear in your store. I just can’t do this anymore.’
(She cries all the way to the cupboard, grabs her bag, then cries all the way out the door).

With the over abundance of technology, it’s easy for us to close off and avoid confrontation. We can avoid confronting issues of poverty, intolerance, starvation. We can avoid the proximity of the spruiker or beggar. We can avoid our family and our friends, even avoid our own selves. But no matter where we are or what we do, no matter how much we try, no matter how much it breaks us down, there is nothing on God/Allah/Yahweh/Vishnu/Bruce Springsteen’s green earth that we can do to avoid a confrontation with Weirdly Raised Greg. And if he knew I was saying that he’d probably moisturise the sandpaper*. But then again, I guess, what can we expect, he is Weirdly Raised Greg.

“To moisturise the sandpaper = to feel validated.’

(‘The Weirdly Raised Greg dictionary’ was not released in early March and is not available at all leading bookshops. It has not been compiled by the renowned academic (and Professor of linguistics at La Strobe University) F.David.Monahan, and doesn’t contain a foreword by both Matt Groening and his Holiness the Dalai Lama. It is not selling for $28.95.)